November

It's November, I can't believe it. November will forever be a special month for me. After all, it's when I (thought) I would give birth to my first child. I remember when the 1st day of November hit last year, I told to myself "I'm going to have a baby this month!". Little did I know plans would change and I would have to wait quite a few more days! I definitely thought I might be late since it was my first baby, but I never thought I would wind up with my little December baby!

I always like to look back at my blog when I write a post to see what was going on last year. Exactly 56 weeks ago today, November 4th, 2011, I was writing about how I had made it to full term, 37 weeks! I re-read that post today, and man - I was READY. I forgot how well prepared we were, and how much time I spent making sure we had everything we needed....for the baby and for my postpartum recovery. I think I was the absolute definition of a nesting pregnant woman.

Edit: The above portion of this blog I wrote the morning of Friday, November 2nd, 2012 at work...however, I became overwhelmed with projects and was unable to finish writing it that day.  It is with the heaviest of  hearts that I conclude my post this evening. My dear dad (my POP) passed away late last night, November 2nd, 2012. It is ironic in the sense that I entitled this post "November" and went on to say that this will forever be a special month for me. Although I did not acknowledge it to avoid it being a negative post, this is the month the one and only grandparent I ever knew, my Grandma Mimi, passed away in November 2000. Then November became a month of joy in that I was due to give birth to my beautiful baby boy. Now yet again, I will forever remember November as the month I lost my one and only Pop.

The news is still fresh and the reality still sinking in, but I wanted to complete this post to remember how I feel at this moment. That's what my online diary is for, right?

Pop, I didn't get to say it much, but I loved you so very dearly. I can never thank you enough for everything you and Mom have done for me. Thank you for my life.

My emotions are mixed. I am happy for your life, completely heart broken for your death, and so angry for the damage you did to your one given, fragile body and the havoc all of this caused my lovely mom. I'm devastated I will never hear you sing 'Happy Birthday' to me ever again, yet grateful you did it so faithfully every year that I can hear it in my head whenever I want...whether it be my birthday or not.

Shamefully I have many other great memories of you...most of which were spent in your "man cave" and talking about...well, life! Sharing a smoke together...one of the things that ended up taking your life much too soon. While I long ago kicked the habit....you never could. Oh, how I wish you would have. I've begged you since I was 5 years old.

I don't have any recent pictures of you....you would never allow it the way you were. And I can't even be certain I ever got a picture of you with my dear son....but I will keep searching. I will only post the last time I remember you looking happy and healthy. Although you couldn't travel to be at my wedding, you were there when we celebrated here at home. This is how I will forever remember my dad...giving me a big, sloppy, gross kiss on the cheek. I wish I had been able to hug and kiss you goodbye. Love you always.