Looking Back

Yesterday, two of my coworkers returned from maternity leave. They both had babies just a couple days apart, one December 1st and December 3rd, respectively. As I got ready for work yesterday, I had this overwhelming feeling of dread - most of all for them because I know just how terrible it is, but also for myself. I was taken back to this time last year, when I myself was supposed to be returning from work after the dreadfully short 12 week leave. It filled me with anxiety and nervousness. Most of all, it filled me with dread, wondering how I could ever survive going through that again when I (hopefully) am blessed with another bundle of joy.

Instead of returning from work when I had intended (uh hem - was supposed to), I was instead medically required to stay at home for an additional 6 weeks, due to the severity of my clinically diagnosed postpartum depression. It was undoubtedly the scariest time of my life, and something I never want to experience again.

My dear friend sent me this article a couple weeks ago, and it couldn't be more true. Looking back, not only was I suffering from depression and anxiety that, until then, I didn't really think was a very serious, very real disease, but I was mourning the loss of the "old" me and trying to come to terms with the me I had never met before. The mother me, that is. This article hits the nail on the head, word for word, and explains it better than I ever could.

Thankfully, that part is behind me, but I still have some bad anxiety at the thought of going through this again. At least I am aware of what to look for, and I know I have the support that I will need from my husband - and some good friends, too. And for that, I am grateful.

http://www.renegademothering.com/2013/02/09/i-became-a-mother-and-died-to-live/